From Ubisoft. Confirmed yesterday. Website up. Gamespot carries the story.
FUCK YES. (more…)
Thursday, March 31st, 2005
Daily Archive
Thu 31 Mar 2005
Thu 31 Mar 2005
So I’ve been thinking about Jerry Falwell being in the hospital, and it
occurred to me that there is at least one reason to hope this guy gets
better: Zombie Falwell. Stop for a moment and consider the
shambling horror that would descend on the good people of Virginia were
what passes for his soul to attempt passage into the great beyond in
that hospital bed. That hospital is full of innocent people whose
brains are ripe for the picking and Zombie Falwell, shortly after he
rises from the gurney, stiff-armed and hankering for a hunk of
cerebrum, is going to loom large in those people’s short and
excruciating futures.
“Brrrrraaaaaaains,” Zombie Falwell will say, a glint of wicked glee in
his remaining eye, “Brrraaaains and th’ homos caused 9/11.” His
swolen tongue will slip from between his teeth to lick what he now
calls “lips,” though others would call them “components of some grim
hoax on the theme of the human face.” Then he’ll make sure no
more brains cause 9/11 by eating them. No witness will survive to
tell that the look on his face was roughly the same as the look on his
face when he appeared on Crossfire.
“BrrrrAAAAAAAins,” Zombie Falwell will demand, a short time later,
addressing The Faithful from his pulpit. His arms will drape over
the pulpit for support, his hands grasping at empty air as they go for
the meats that sit lined up in front of him. “It’s a miracle,”
one of his followers will say, and Rev. Pat Robertson will agree, and
then Rev. Pat will regret that assessment when Zombie Falwell crashes
through a wall of his Virginia Beach compound, shambles onto the set
and proceeds to eat Rev. Pat’s brains right there on the 700
Club. “Amen!” his co-host will cry, what’s-her-name, but her
praises will be cut short by a moaning: “Braaaaaains,” Zombie
Falwell will pant. “Brains and the idea that religion and
politics don’t mix was invented by the Devil,” Zombie Falwell will
mumble around fragments of skull as he demonstrates to Pat’s unwary
followers that Pat’s getting out of politics in ’88 was a terrible
mistake.
“BRAAAAAINS,” Zombie Falwell will declare from the steps of the Capitol
Building. Senator Santorum will stand there grinning like an
idiot, that eternal pinch gone from his face but otherwise no change in
behavior at all apparent, as Senator Bill Frist spoon-feeds Santorum’s
frontal lobe to Zombie Falwell while pronouncing that in his bona fide
medical opinion Zombie Falwell is healthier than he ever was.
“Brains and other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly
be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur.” “You got
that right, Rev. Zombie Falwell,” Frist will say over the audible slops
and slurps of what remains of Zombie Falwell’s lower jaw trying to gain
traction on the spoon. The spoon is rusty and bent, but Zombie
Falwell doesn’t care. He just wants brains. “No more bouts
of viral anything for you, Zombie Falwell,” Senator Dr. Frist will
say. “‘Cept that ol’ zombie virus! Ha ha! I
kid. It’s a blessing.”
And then pretty soon everyone will forget he’s a zombie
altogether. It’ll be like old times! Zombie Falwell will be
more lively than ever. Other televangelists will be found hanging
around in graveyards next to military bases where highly dangerous
experiments with nuclear waste occur under cover of night, hands in
their pockets, signs on their backs that say EAT ME – NO, REALLY and
when asked they’ll say they’re just hoping they’re good enough to
receive the blessin’s of the Lord.
So here’s hoping Jerry Falwell gets better. Lord have mercy, let’s hope he does.
(All quotes from Positive Atheism‘s Big List of Jerry Falwell Quotations.) (more…)